In the last couple of posts, I've shared some of the techniques that I've been drawing on as my life has been going from 'busy' to 'more than a little crazy'!
I'm aware that reading this sort of thing can sometimes make it sound that the writer - in this case me J - has got it 'sussed', and that it's obviously 'easy for them' in some way, but it still seems out of reach for you, the reader.
I therefore thought I would share a little more of the realities of my day-to-day experiences during this time to hopefully let you see that I'm nothing special, and that this is possible for anyone! If I can do it, then you can definitely do it too.
My journal during the month after Dax arrived was full of feelings of overwhelm:
"Today's been a real roller coaster, much of which I've spent feeling completely overwhelmed and wanting to cry and run away. I'm feeling caught in the middle of a lot of people with strong views on horses...
I'm a little better now, just absolutely shattered"
"I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit hole and all of my 'stuff' is being triggered at once. This has hit me hard, emotionally and physically, so I need to take some time..."
This was where I needed to remember to breathe and to take some time out to support myself in order to keep my sense of balance and perspective.
I'm very fortunate to have a great friend who offered a sympathetic ear and a calm voice of reassurance and encouragement. She helped me to take a step back and explore my feelings. This allowed me to be more objective and to see the bigger picture.
I realised that I was afraid of failure and of letting people down. My friend helped me to put these fears into perspective and to realise that, while it's always possible that things won't turn out as we hoped, that doesn't mean that we've 'failed'. It's actually an opportunity for learning; not least, learning about ourselves, our needs and our strengths. It also helps us to realise that reaching out to others can be a great way to make wonderful connections. In addition, I came to see that this support wasn't only one way. I was able to give, too, which helped to restore my sense of self worth and confidence.
It hasn't been an easy time as it's brought me face-to-face with some old hurts, but this has given me deeper insight and the chance to acknowledge the pain and to take steps to release it.
Isn't it funny how we can think that we've 'dealt with' something, only for it to raise it's challenging face again?! This can be disheartening, until we realise that it's actually another, deeper, layer. It's not quite the same as the stuff we dealt with before - we actually have dealt with that - but now we're ready to clear even more. How amazing is that?!
Life is always giving us opportunities to move closer to Love and to Freedom. Sadly, we've sometimes become blinded to these due to our conditioning and the limiting beliefs that this brings, but if we can stay open, trusting and curious, then suddenly opportunities are all around us.
Sometimes we need to reach out and ask for support in seeing and responding to these opportunities, but that's ok. It doesn't mean that we're broken or need another to 'fix' us, it's just that we sometimes need a reminder of how to access the truth of who we really are.
With Dakota it was interesting as I could see strong parallels between us. There is a sense of disconnection about him and he appears to be afraid of allowing others to get too close. This is similar to me when I feel overwhelmed.
He shows strong independence of thought and decision making, but also there's a sense of abandonment, loss and isolation about him, as if he feels that he needs to guard himself against rejection and being unwanted. I can empathise with this, too...
My dream is for the 2 of us to have the space and time to find our way to connect together. I know this will be a unique path, special to us and what we each bring.
And I think we might just have found the perfect space!
If you've been following my blog recently you'll know that my husband and I have been looking for a new home. Well, we think we've found the perfect place. It's a sweet little cottage set in 8.5 acres of Welsh countryside. There are woods and paddocks and although it feels like the middle of nowhere it's actually only 15 minutes drive from Abergavenny. I'm hoping that this will give Dakota and myself the peace for reflection and building of trust and understanding to build that special bond.
I want to find ways to hold space for Dax, so that he can find his inner balance, confidence and strength. In doing this for him, I hope to then find my path to achieving the same for myself. So often we learn best by offering to others what we need for ourselves. Perhaps this is why we can set out intending to rescue another only to find that it was actually ourselves who needed rescuing!